Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
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When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.