me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
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my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.