I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
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Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.