I see your IQ test came back negative
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Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
The news
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
can’t believe I got front row seats
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend