Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
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Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
A friend sent me this.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks