I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
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I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
Thanks to a fan for this one!
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.