I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
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Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.