I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
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Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.