@Elizasoul80: "I see you've been eating whatever you want and not exercising." -Clothes
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@VerifiedDrunk: If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that's practically the same thing.
@Bizarro_Mark: I'll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I'll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can't reach the remote.
@GrantTanaka: [wife comes out wearing pretty dress] me: that's my favorite dress wife: aww, how swee- m: take it off w: but we need to- m: I wanna wear it
@bourgeoisalien: I like to play fetch with my cat....which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.