“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
You Might Also Like
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
he’s doing your taxes
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.