I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
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All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
Velcrow
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.