I self medicate, therefore you live.
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Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
I can also cook 😂
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn