@F5X11: I send flowers "From Steve" to my neighbors wife every Friday night, then watch them fight from my living room window while eating popcorn
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@UncleDuke1969: Brain: Compliment her eyes Me: Yeah? Brain: Trust me "YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY'RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO." Brain: Perfect!
@ComedicBust: "These diet pills better work," I say to myself as I wash them down with a chocolate milkshake.
@Rollmaninoz: [at my funeral] *casket falls onto the floor* Mum: that's the quickest I've ever seen him move Dad: lol owned