A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
You Might Also Like
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
me doing my best
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!