[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
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While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.