Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
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Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared