KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
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Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?