I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
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[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
*mops up wine with cat*
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
Some of y’all tomorrow …
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay