I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
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Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
Just me and my debit card against the world
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.