i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
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Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
Just me?
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks