i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
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[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
not seeing the problem
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park