I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
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No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”