I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
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911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit