I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
You Might Also Like
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?