I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
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Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
what are they serving at kfc then???
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?