ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
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TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
Black Friday “markdowns” like
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.