I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
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Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
what’s the point then??
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.