girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
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Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
mariah carrie
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
Double negatives are never not confusing.
What my back needs
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!