“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
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I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.