I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
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Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
I’m good, thanks.
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
So that’s what we looked like?
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.