I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
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Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?