I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
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I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
When you’re Kinky but poor
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
Feel. He’s so soft.
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.