@lisaxy424: I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
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@rachelle_mandik: ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring. MOM: Honey, for the last time you're not at a sleepover. You're married.
@EndhooS: Cool puppy. What's his name? "Patches" Aww, that's a cute name. Because he has those spots? "Nah...it's cause he's trying to quit smoking"
@simoncholland: I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
@hmcpherson17: Sitting outside the dentist office eating Oreos, b/c I think everyone should earn their pay.