I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
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if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom