I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
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6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”