Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
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Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
BETRAYAL
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds