I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
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Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
We’re all getting idioter.
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things