This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
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I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
Perfect
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.