My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
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“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.