I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
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ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!