cat faces on other animals, a thread
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6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
I’m not lazy
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.