@xLiserx: I sexually identify as a microwave dinner because I’m ready in 5 minutes but don’t look anything like my photos.
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@fletchworld73: So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I'm pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
@stephenjmolloy: "Ah, Mr Bond, I-" *closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers* "-wasn't expecting you."
@Brampersandon_: [zoo] Hey dad, where are mountain lions from? *dad panics* -Uhh...you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much...
@NintenDom: It's Facebook's 10th birthday today. Let's all click "Maybe" on the event invite and then not show up.