No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
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I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
What a year we’ve had this week.
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁