-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
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genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
honestly, i need both:
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.