Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
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God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
He’s dead
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials