Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
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“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that