I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
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Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
dam girl
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
work smarter, not harder
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
I bet birds love this building.
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.