@WoodyLuvsCoffee: I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I'm in a t-shirt while she's rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
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@capnmcfword: He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken. She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
@realHamOnWry: I slept through my girlfriend's alarm this morning and hit the ground running after her husband threw me out the window.
@shkeeber: Me: Objection! The plaintiff is a bologna sandwich! Judge: What? M: I plead insanity. J: You're a juror. Me: Can I go? J: No. M: OBJECTION!
@socarolinesays: I used to think I'd never be able to be president because I'm a woman but now I know it's because I don't like drinking water