@JulieSnark: "I shaved for this shit?" - All of us at one point in our lives.
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@AGreaterMonster: LOL at the neighbor kids who didn't realize I keep my piranhas in the hot tub.
@thatUPSdude: Cop; Know why I pulled you over? Me; Because you got beat up in high school Cop;....... Me; Because you got beat up in high school, Sir?
@Parentpains: Sometimes you just need to reach out and touch someone. With a shovel. On the side of the head.
@WilliamAder: Doctor: Have you quit smoking yet? Me: Has there been a string of unsolved murders in the news? Doctor: No. Me: Then, no, I haven't.