“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
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Children of the corn 🌽
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
Oh my god
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo