“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
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The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
🤣😂🤣
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.