I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
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I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.