I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
You Might Also Like
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.