I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
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“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.