I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
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I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
In space, no one can hear…
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
Spa day..😅
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
This makes total sense…
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.