“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
You Might Also Like
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.