@T_Bonezzz: I shook this magic 8-ball for some advice and now there's cocaine everywhere
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@pakalupapito: Alarm Clock: a device that wakes up almost everyone in the house except for the person who had set it.
@jackiembouvier: Friend: Don't you recycle? Me: I do what I can. F: What about the seals? M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
@TheTobbie: Someone on my street has taken up the clarinet, which has inspired me to take up the sniper rifle...